One of the funnest things about having an anxiety disorder is that it sneaks up on you. It’s always there, lurking beneath the surface- hibernating until triggered to fight or flight. You’re fine, dealing with stressful people, things, situations. But then when you least expect it you’re completely overwhelmed and you transform into this freak that no one recognizes- least of all you.
Though it may not progress into an anxiety attack, you’ve reached your maximum stress load and anytime the most insignificant event happens, you lose it. You’re sobbing hysterically, lamenting on how this is far too much to handle and there are crazy impulses you have to fight to control. You obsess over a problem, unable to put it aside even when there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You toss and turn at night, utterly exhausted and unable to leap into the sweet abyss of sleep. And when you finally do, you dream about getting into fights with friends, people dying, losing your job, every horrible thing you could imagine happens in your restless dreams. You wake more exhausted.
When the monster stirs, I take deep breaths, realize this is just my initial reaction, I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. I’ll be okay. If I don’t like this bar, this person, this situation I can remove myself from it. The thought of escape instantly calms me down and then I’m fine. But when I can’t remove myself from the trigger, I turn into a weeping, frail, damsel in distress that needs rescuing. I’m so helpless, so hopeless. Furthermore, a part of me can see what is happening and I am so ashamed. How can I be this weak?
I spent last week at my sister’s house in Michigan visiting my niece. Everything went awesome. I was fine on the plane without anxiety medication. And then all hell broke loose when I landed. My mom informed me that my dad lost his job and was allowed to retire. I have to move out ASAP, they don’t want the cats there while they try to sell the house. I have something like a few weeks to find a decent place, pack, move, and work full time.
On top of it all, my parents are going to be more than an hour’s drive away for the first time in my life. They can’t afford to live on my dad’s pension in Colorado so they’re moving to Michigan. I’ve probably been overly attached to them since my sister died and it will be a good for me to move out. But all of this is so sudden and I have no time to prepare. Everything is beyond my control. I need this specific end result, but no time or means to get it. I’m grasping, clawing, frantic for the situation to go away. Desperate to wake up from this nightmare. I can’t find the flow, let alone jump into it and allow it to happen, do the Tao, trust that the Universe is conspiring for my greatest good. I have to make it happen. And I don’t even know how to choose tires for my car- how can I do all this alone?
Needless to say after two days of crying at the slightest irritation, crying every time I’m alone or overwhelmed with how to force it all together, I finally had to go to the doctor. And much to my dismay I asked for medication to help with my stress and anxiety so I can sleep and maybe not lose my job too. That’s probably a good place to start. Now for the next step. Whatever that is.
P.S. Did I mention my computer is dead? I’m limited to a few stolen moments online here and there. Nothing more.
10 Comments
May 29, 2009 at 1:38 pm
Oh my sweet mountain lover, you will make it girl! You will be thankful later because maybe you wouldn´t have made the jump if not pushed a little, but I know it´s overwhelming.
What you describe is much of my life. I go from one day of strength and happiness and the next day I´m in blubbering shreds of a person just crumpled and mashed up on the floor and I can´t get up. And it´s all the more disappointing because I know how good the day before was.
May 29, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Thanks, Blues. :) I thought about that too. I’m such a money hoard. I keep thinking, “If I pay off this debt and save another $X amount, then I’ll do it . . . ” Finally the Universe just shoved me out of the nest. But still- 4,000 miles? How do you do it? When I think about it- really think about it, it feels like I’ve been kicked in the gut.
I think I’m going to move in with my friend from high school and her sister. I lived with them for a while during college. I think it will be a perfect situation for me. 4 cats together aside . . .
May 29, 2009 at 7:05 pm
You can do it! I have faith in you. You are a stronger person than you give yourself credit for. And if you ever need to talk, I am here. Okay, not here where you are, but here, by phone. (sigh.) And PS, I still talk to my parents every week, even though they are 4000 miles away. We just do it over the computer. Embrace SKYPE!
May 30, 2009 at 5:41 am
Oh hell! Why can’t growth and making changes just be like hopping into a cute little canoe on a sunny day and floating down a lazy river. Damnit! I totally get this Mntn. Yes, I really am grateful for growth and change no matter how it came about. But, seriously, sometimes the path it takes to happen makes it feel like someone’s been using a mellon baller on my brain!
As far as being ashamed – believing you’re weak for having anxiety. Peeeeeeshaw! Whatever sister. Everybody has something that knocks ‘em flat. So what. It’s still a good life and you’re still a great person.
May 30, 2009 at 5:43 am
Oh, and I still need to return your email. But I’ve been having a little (actually more in the medium-sized category) breakdown of my own. I will get back to you. Promise.
May 30, 2009 at 1:05 pm
Busy running around and packing at the moment, so I’m gonna make a list for my general response:
1) My good friend, her sister and I are getting a place together. There will be 4 cats. We’ve all lived together before. I’m sort of surrendering control of this over to her. Though, it still freaks me out. No one is returning our calls.
2) Packing sucks
3) Buspar is awesome (anxiety meds). I’m not tranquilized and I feel balanced, and I still feel my own emotions. Of course, I’ve only been on it a day. weeeeeeee
4) My mom decided to open up my sister’s box of stuff from her apartment. I’ve never seen it. She thought it was a great idea to put me through that while I’m going through everything else. Moms. Gotta love their timing.
May 30, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Did I mention packing sucks?
May 31, 2009 at 9:18 pm
Getting your own place is going to be so kick ass, even though you’ll be outnumbered by cats. Crazy fucking cat lady. You should get one of those action figures.
June 1, 2009 at 8:31 am
No shit. My allergies and asthma are gonna go haywire.
4 cats.
ugh!!!
Maybe they’ll model the action figure off me? I wonder if I should buy a lot of purple.
June 1, 2009 at 8:49 am
You’ll get through this, girl! Always remember that you have a network of support here! Lots of love to you!