In the business of de-cluttering my life and preparing to move, I’ve come across many things that have been packed for nearly a decade. Yesterday I opened a box containing mementos from relationships past. Letters and cards from that huge saga that didn’t end until he ran off to marry a Brazilian woman (SLUT!). Reading these letters used to pain me- knock the wind out of me and leave me crumpled on the floor. Oh, how I thought I’d never be able to live without him.
I was 21, young and stupid. He was 10 years my senior. We’d fight and break up, then end up in a honeymoon period of several months- we did this over and over again for 4 years. He’d worship the ground I walked on and then change. He’d be distant, cold and withholding. I’d go absolutely insane and rail against it, trying to manipulate him back to the man I wanted him to be. He would become so condescending with that whole “I’m older, I’m more knowledgeable and experienced than you. You are immature.” I told him that if I were his age I wouldn’t put up with his bullshit.
As I approach 32, I’ve come to the realization that he was right. Experience tempered him and provided him the knowledge that one bad or stressful day wasn’t the beginning of the end. That failing to live up to every single expectation didn’t necessitate a fight and a break up. What are expectations anyway? He was a rock, moving and changing very little while I was the current racing around him. I was right too- I wouldn’t put up with his bullshit now.
If I ever have daughters, I will tell them not to settle down in college. To focus on their grades and play the field and have as many experiences as possible. To be big and mighty and to never hide who they are. To never let anyone try to break them or domesticate them. To run and be free and discover themselves. And if those stupid boys are still chasing them as they approach 25, then they might be worth a second look.
I threw out most of the letters and tokens from boyfriends past, but kept a few cards. Just to remind me that I made the ground quake under someone’s feet at least a few times. At least.
4 Comments
June 12, 2009 at 3:29 pm
I’m never going to have children. But, I swear, that paragraph about BE YOURSELF makes me want to borrow someone’s daughter just so I can say that. Absolutely powerful and perfect!
June 12, 2009 at 9:40 pm
I settled down and got married in my thirties and I am sooooo glad I waited. What I look for now and what I looked for then are world’s apart. I know it’s trite because people say it over and over but I would tell my girls to go out and look for a best friend…with whom you agree on how you spend/how you save $(relatively similar), how you raise kids, how involved your extended families and/or religion will be in your lives, and a few other key things that escape me right now. My husband and I agree on these things and it had prevented so many fights that I see wedge other married couples. When you find compatibility with passion, jump.
June 22, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Here’s the thing: I’ve never been in a relationship. No one has even tried. I don’t get asked out. I think it’s happened like…twice in 28 years.
A couple weeks ago, I met a friend of one of the circles I hang out with who’s been living in New York for the past like eight years and just moved back to Chicago.
He was all like, “I’ve heard about you. Everyone says you’re like, the Alpha.”
“They call me that?”
“It’s not like your name, or anything, but it’s how they describe you. Fucking Alpha.”
“I don’t think I’m alpha.”
“I think you don’t realize that you are, and it makes it even more intimidating.”
I laughed. “Don’t call me that. I don’t like it when people call me that.”
“See how you just said that? That was intimidating as hell.”
“How? I laughed. It’s ridiculous. I’m not intimidating.”
“Maybe…you make them feel ridiculous.”
So what I’m saying is this: if you’re comfortable being you, and unchanging, people think you’re scary even if they like you. It’s very superlame.
July 6, 2009 at 1:54 pm
I didn’t escape domestication. I had my fun, but honestly, I spent way too much time chained to a douchebag, and then I met my husband. I would probably give the same advice to my children.